i feel sad... tears well up and trickle down my cheeks often... just making a decision about what to order for lunch today triggered those tears and overwhelmed feelings... i feel like i’m slowly loosing who i am and want to be... for a much more sloth like version that only wants to breath and view the world around me but not participate... i don’t know whats wrong with me... life is not bad and there is sooooo much to create, do and be... but i just seem to want to observe and not partisipate... it is easier to be depressed then try not to be... my deprssion has triggers but nothing sooooo awful that i should be so unmotivated... i give my self advice... other people give me advice... but advice and suggestions do nothing if i can’t seem to muster up the motivation and hope to impliment any of the things that might help break my saddness... i don’t want anyones empathetic attention but i do want people to know that i have sad depression issues right now and have had on and off for years... i usually don’t let people see that side of me... i’m usually viewed as upbeat, creative, self confident and silly... that’s because i usually don’t want to be around people unless i am that person i want to be... but i have been struggling with a larger then normal lerking saddness leak in the past two years and i think it has just gotten worse lately...
i have been forcing myself now and then to go dancing and be in semi-social settings and have allowed others to see this wilted version of my spirit.... i hope they (you) don’t take my lack of social interaction or my withdrawn interactions personally.... i am fragile right now... i desire to go do things and be around people (and i know it is good for me) but i am having a hard time iniciating anything.... i have enjoyed myself whenever i have gone with friends to do things but i am much more dissengaged then usual... i don’t know what’s wrong with me... at work i seem ok... maybe a bit hyperactive and overly talkative with customers / strangers but outside of work with friends and my lover i am more quiet, impatient, irratable and slow moving...
i am swinging on the swing of my emotions and feeling motionless.
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